Worst Interview Ever
SHIRLEY: I’m Shirley Schitt and you’re watching Arts Afire with special guest Kamilia Reid, author of the young adult fantasy series The Bone Grit Historeum. Welcome, Kamilia.
KAMILLA: Actually it’s Kamilla.
SHIRLEY: K…Ka…MILL-a. Oh! Like that…you know…that (whispers) woman who stole Charles.
KAMILLA: Actually, it’s KAmilla. Like Pamela but with a K.
SHIRLEY: Kamilla. Kamilla! Oh, I’m terribly sorry.
KAMILLA: It’s okay. Honestly, I get it all the time.
SHIRLEY: Never heard of Kamilla. It’s got an odd sound to it, doesn’t it? Sort of like Pamela. But with a K.
KAMILLA: Um…(looks awkwardly at the camera) Exactly.
SHIRLEY: Right. Well you… (overenunciates) Kamilla have written a book!
KAMILLA: I have.
SHIRLEY: Three books!
SHIRLEY: And they’re…young adult fantasies.
KAMILLA: They are, yes. Fantasy adventures.
SHIRLEY: (suddenly defensive) What’s the difference?
SHIRLEY: Well, I said fantasy and you corrected me with adventure.
KAMILLA: Oh! No, I just added that. They’re fantasy adventures.
SHIRLEY: Well, isn’t that what I said?
KAMILLA: Sure. I…yes…you did.
SHIRLEY: (ruffled, returning to her clipboard) So… tell me about The Bone Grit Historeum…
KAMILLA: Okay, well it’s a fantasy series and…
KAMILLA: (laughs) Adventure.
SHIRLEY: (not laughing)
KAMILLA: (clears throat) About a girl who…
SHIRLEY: Wait! You said it’s a series. It’s not a trilogy?
KAMILLA: No, there are actually six books in the series.
SHIRLEY: (after a horribly long pause) JK Rowling has seven.
SHIRLEY: You can’t possibly compare yourself to JK Rowling.
KAMILLA: Ya, see I don’t think I was.
SHIRLEY: Then why so many books and odd names?
SHIRLEY: Kamilla. Like Pamela but with a ‘K’.
KAMILLA: Um…That’s my name.
SHIRLEY: Sounds an awful lot like ‘Hermione’, if you ask me. Is she smart?
SHIRLEY: The girl.
KAMILLA: Oh! Uh, yes. She’s a Finder.
SHIRLEY: (A look that affirms her suspicions)
KAMILLA: (trying to ignore the look) She has remarkable Finding abilities.
SHIRLEY: Did you say ‘finding’? Like…bump’n grinding, but with an ‘F’…
KAMILLA: I…just don’t even know…but she…
SHIRLEY: That’s it? She has…finding abilities? No wand?
SHIRLEY: Why not? What’s with all this anti-wand rage all of a sudden?
KAMILLA: (trying to push through the rest of the interview) Anyway, she’s being forced to Find dangerous things for the Guardian of Lanlynne, who…
SHIRLEY: …Must not be named!
KAMILLA: Excuse me.
SHIRLEY: Oh don’t play smart with me, Kamiliata Reid. I know your kind. Your Muggle kind. You can’t possibly compare yourself to the brilliance of Joanne Kathleen.
KAMILLA: I’m…uh…really not.
SHIRLEY: Oh so now you’re better than Harry Potter. You and all the others, choking in his dust…jacket. Dust jacket. That’s a joke.
KAMILLA: (scanning for escape) Ah, good one.
SHIRLEY: Don’t you use that tone with me! Ten points from Slytherin!
KAMILLA: Okay, well this has been really…wow. (goes to shake hand) Thank you for having me.
SHIRLEY: (overreacts, pulls out wand) Expelliaramus!
KAMILLA: (pulling back hand) Right. (stands up, goes to camera) Bonegrits.com…see for yourself. (leaves, yanking off her microphone)
SHIRLEY: (standing, calling out after her) Crucio! I said Crucio! Wingardium LevioSA! Dammit, I mean leviOsa!