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Worst Interview Ever

July 6, 2017

 

SHIRLEY: I’m Shirley Schitt and you’re watching Arts Afire with special guest Kamilia Reid, author of the young adult fantasy series The Bone Grit Historeum. Welcome, Kamilia.

 

KAMILLA: Actually it’s Kamilla.

 

SHIRLEY: K…Ka…MILL-a. Oh! Like that…you know…that (whispers) woman who stole Charles.

 

KAMILLA: Actually, it’s KAmilla. Like Pamela but with a K.

 

SHIRLEY: Kamilla. Kamilla! Oh, I’m terribly sorry.

 

KAMILLA: It’s okay. Honestly, I get it all the time.

 

SHIRLEY: Never heard of Kamilla. It’s got an odd sound to it, doesn’t it? Sort of like Pamela. But with a K.

 

KAMILLA: Um…(looks awkwardly at the camera) Exactly.

 

SHIRLEY: Right. Well you… (overenunciates) Kamilla have written a book!

 

KAMILLA: I have.

 

SHIRLEY: Three books!

 

KAMILLA: Yes.

 

SHIRLEY: And they’re…young adult fantasies.

 

KAMILLA: They are, yes. Fantasy adventures.

 

SHIRLEY: (suddenly defensive) What’s the difference?

 

KAMILLA: Between?

 

SHIRLEY: Well, I said fantasy and you corrected me with adventure.

 

KAMILLA: Oh! No, I just added that. They’re fantasy adventures.

 

SHIRLEY: Well, isn’t that what I said?

 

KAMILLA: Sure. I…yes…you did.

 

SHIRLEY: (ruffled, returning to her clipboard) So… tell me about The Bone Grit Historeum…

 

KAMILLA: Okay, well it’s a fantasy series and…

 

SHIRLEY: Adventure.

 

KAMILLA: (laughs) Adventure.

 

SHIRLEY: (not laughing)

 

KAMILLA: (clears throat) About a girl who…

 

SHIRLEY: Wait! You said it’s a series. It’s not a trilogy?

 

KAMILLA: No, there are actually six books in the series.

 

SHIRLEY: (after a horribly long pause) JK Rowling has seven.

 

KAMILLA: She…does.

 

SHIRLEY: You can’t possibly compare yourself to JK Rowling.

 

KAMILLA: Ya, see I don’t think I was.

 

SHIRLEY: Then why so many books and odd names?

 

KAMILLA: Odd…names…?

 

SHIRLEY: Kamilla. Like Pamela but with a ‘K’.

 

KAMILLA: Um…That’s my name.

 

SHIRLEY: Sounds an awful lot like ‘Hermione’, if you ask me. Is she smart?

 

KAMILLA: Who?

 

SHIRLEY: The girl.

 

KAMILLA: Oh! Uh, yes. She’s a Finder.

 

SHIRLEY: (A look that affirms her suspicions)

 

KAMILLA: (trying to ignore the look) She has remarkable Finding abilities.

 

SHIRLEY: Did you say ‘finding’? Like…bump’n grinding, but with an ‘F’…

 

KAMILLA: I…just don’t even know…but she…

 

SHIRLEY: That’s it? She has…finding abilities? No wand?

 

KAMILLA: No.

 

SHIRLEY: Why not? What’s with all this anti-wand rage all of a sudden?

 

KAMILLA: (trying to push through the rest of the interview) Anyway, she’s being forced to Find dangerous things for the Guardian of Lanlynne, who…

 

SHIRLEY: …Must not be named!

 

KAMILLA: Excuse me.

 

SHIRLEY: Oh don’t play smart with me, Kamiliata Reid. I know your kind. Your Muggle kind. You can’t possibly compare yourself to the brilliance of Joanne Kathleen.

 

KAMILLA: I’m…uh…really not.

 

SHIRLEY: Oh so now you’re better than Harry Potter. You and all the others, choking in his dust…jacket. Dust jacket. That’s a joke.

 

KAMILLA: (scanning for escape) Ah, good one.

 

SHIRLEY: Don’t you use that tone with me! Ten points from Slytherin!

 

KAMILLA: Okay, well this has been really…wow. (goes to shake hand) Thank you for having me.

 

SHIRLEY: (overreacts, pulls out wand) Expelliaramus!

 

KAMILLA: (pulling back hand) Right. (stands up, goes to camera) Bonegrits.com…see for yourself. (leaves, yanking off her microphone)

 

SHIRLEY: (standing, calling out after her) Crucio! I said Crucio! Wingardium LevioSA! Dammit, I mean leviOsa!

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Hey there - I'm Kamilla

When I'm not a single mum, dark chocolate nibbler, dog-walker and yoga fail, I'm a writer. Anything from cheesy musical comedies to fantasy adventures. So ya...lots to talk about.

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